I missed my period! I panic! I walk next door from the hotel where there is a Rite Aid and get a pregnancy test. I don’t tell anyone but the only person I wanted there was my mother. I was so scared. I sat on the hotel bed crying and rocking back and forth while waiting for the results to come up. I get up and glance on the bathroom counter and see a clear + sign. It is positive. I literally drop to my knees crying. I page Harley and he calls me back quickly. I tell him over the phone barely able to get the words out because I am crying profusely.

He comes back to the hotel with a bouquet of flowers. He gives me a hug and says it will be ok. He says he loves me and not to worry. Then he very calmly looks at me and says: I don’t care what you do but get rid of it. I was shocked! Not that having a kid was the right option but just the way he said it so coldly. I just want to talk to my mother even though I knew that it will be more damaging than not. Harley doesn’t say much more about it at the moment.

My mother shows up with this 6 ft plus tall biker.  He had long greasy hair pulled back in a ponytail, big glasses, and a whiskery mustache. They both reeked of alcohol. I knew she was careless but now she found her match who is just as careless as her. They are drunk, riding around on a motorcycle. She is so excited (and intoxicated) she says Kenny said we can move in with him, isn’t he so nice, cute, handsome blah blah blah. I blurt out I’M PREGNANT!

Her reaction was so fucked up, probably most pregnant teens dream of this response, but it was so irrational to me. She was excited. I think the next thing that came out of her mouth was I can’t wait to buy clothes and all the toys etc. I stared at her like she had lost her mind, or she was more intoxicated than I thought.  I immediately moved on to the next subject at hand. I was not moving in with this random guy she found a few nights ago at the bar.

She began to yell at me telling me he was a great guy and we were moving in with him. I continued to argue with her that I did not know him and would not be moving into his house. I would stay in the hotel if I had to, as far as I knew and seen, he was a creep and she wasn’t being logical.  She stormed out of the hotel with a few choice words for me.  Harley left shortly after her.

I was back to sitting in a hotel room alone and now pregnant. How did I get here? Obviously, my own stupid decisions got me here but all I could think was, if Dale was here, none of this would be happening. No boy/guy would be living with me, my mother would not be on a never-ending binge, we certainly would not be living in a hotel or debating moving in with some creep from the bar. I cry myself to sleep.

I wake up the next morning to my mother and her new boyfriend standing over me with 2 breakfast sandwiches. I barely have my eyes open and they are telling me to eat because now I am eating for 2. She starts to babble again about how EXCITING this is and I will have my own room at this man’s house and he has toys from his kids. Did she ever sober up, maybe she is permanently damaged? I am still not sure what makes her think that having a kid is a good idea or if I had a kid that I would want her around a child. I ignore half of what she is saying at this point and continue to make my case about not moving in with a guy that she just met.

Monday morning rolls around and I call the Dr. and make an appointment for a checkup and confirmation of pregnancy. They got me in for an appointment pretty quickly. When the dr comes into the room you could see a little bit of shock in his face at how young I was. He does an exam and then monitors for a heartbeat. I hear the heartbeat and start to cry. Of all the things that I have been through this one could change my life forever. He tells me to schedule an appointment on my way out for the following month.

A friend drives me back to the hotel room. Harley is there and asked me how the appointment went and when was the appointment to terminate? I start crying and told him that I have not decided yet and he was not going to force me into a decision. Of course, he leaves. I lay there thinking of all the pros and cons. Thoughts racing through my mind.  I knew if I made the decision to keep this baby that I would be on my own, Harley already expressed his feelings about the situation, my mother was not anyone that I could depend on. Let’s face it, I was just at the first Dr appointment by myself. I was 14 and still trying to parent myself and my mother. If I made the decision to keep this baby, I would be stepping in the direction of traveling the same road she did.

The thought of having an abortion out weighted the cons though. I was sick to my stomach even thinking about it. I was already better than her. I would figure it out. Harley had a great family and I am sure they would be part of the baby’s life. I was so torn and confused about what to do.

%d bloggers like this: